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Friday, January 23, 2015

No Swabs, No Sweat, No Service!

The more things change, the more they stay the same!

Our son may be getting older (11 now) but not wiser.

After complaining of sore throat, weakness and body aches, I took him in to see his pediatrician yesterday. It was quiet for the first half of the drive, and he did say his throat was sore, BUT-

"Are they gonna give me a shot?" he asked.

"Naw." I assured him. "They don't give shots for a cold."

It felt great to not lie to him.

"Are they gonna swish my throat?" he asked.

Again, I answered truthfully. "No. They can't swish your throat." I laughed.

"Mama. You know what I mean. Are they gonna take that thing like a Q-tip and poke the back of my throat?"

Here we go.

"I don't know if they will or not. Maybe they can just look down your throat if you open wide when they tell you to," I suggested.

He flared his nostrils.

"Can you tell them not to do that?"

"I can't tell the nurse and doctor what to do," I giggled.

We didn't have to wait long. I'm sure he didn't appreciate that but I certainly did after a long day at work.

So the nurse did the usual: checked his temperature (101), weighed him, then sat him down and went over his symptoms.

"What hurts?"

"My throat is sore," he told her.

She opened a drawer and pulled out the long, packaged cotton swab and placed it on the to him.

He looked around her and glared at me. She asked if anything else bothered him. He reluctantly told her about his body aches.

This time she pulled out a smaller package. I knew what it was. He asked.

"This is how we tell if you have the flu." she informed him.

"Can I see it," he asked as he stood up to confront check it out.

The questions continued to come just as fast as him getting sick in the past two days.

"It may burn just a little," the nurse told him after he asked about it.

I reminded him that he'd had his tonsils swabbed and he'd had the flu test before. Didn't need to remind him how crazy he got when they did it. (Check an earlier post on my blog, I wrote, "Walked in But Limped Out!".

"See!" the nurse rejoiced (briefly). "You'e done this before."

Nostrils flared, he told her, "I kicked the doctor."

Rolling back her sleeves, like she was telling him to bring it, she replied, "But you are gonna be a big boy today, right?"

She and I both laughed but I was thinking, "It's about to go down!"

He didn't answer.

So, finally she proceeds to swab his tonsils. I discreetly hit record on my phone. After all, telling it is one thing but a visual is always better. I can't make this stuff up!
After they played Slaps (is that a game?) she tried to get more serious. Trying to coerce him into sticking his tongue out and opening wide.
Like Hall & Oates said, "No can do!"

She finally stopped and said she thought she had enough.

Then it was time for the smaller yet deadly weapon. The one for his nose. Now that one is bad. I had to get that done once, years ago when our daughter was in the room with me. She laughed like Elmo was tickling her. I was hanging off the table with that white paper in my hand like a comfort object while she was laughing herself out of her seat. SHE WAS FIVE!

So I didn't know what to tell him to make it better. It didn't matter anyway. He wasn't listening to reason. It didn't help that she told him it would burn a little. I guess that's disclosure. Him in that chair cornered by the nurse trying to get up his nose was a sight. It looked like they were practicing choreography for an old karate movie.

After several rounds, she said she thought she had enough to do the test for the flu, and his nose was bleeding a bit.

"Mama!" he pointed to his nose and glared at her.

She now had bangs and was sweating. She looked like she'd been in a sauna to shed a few pounds to make weight before the fight.

Her back was to me but she said, "I will see if I got enough. It will take a few minutes for the results of the test."

I wanted to give her a hug and a towel. Not a minute later, Daddy walked in. I was laughing so hard, I was crying.

"What's wrong with the nurse?" he asked. "And what's up with your nose?" he added.


1 comment:

Don said...

Him in that chair cornered by the nurse trying to get up his nose was a sight. It looked like they were practicing choreography for an old karate movie.

Great visual and pure comedy.

Gotta love eleven year olds and their visit to the pediatrician.

The comment about once receiving the same procedure while your daughter was tickled as can be - it had me rolling.