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Friday, June 19, 2009

Boobies, Bookinis and Brows!

I realize it's hot outside and I know you cannot leave your children or pets in your car, but I'd rather take Fido or Cujo in with me instead of my kids!
If you have been keeping up with my blog posts you understand what I have been through with my two- the comedy fests they have when I change with them in the fitting rooms or the random conversations they have while browsing through clothes. I'm not saying that kids should be left in the car but I understand.
I contemplated going into the fitting room this time with them- I really did. I held the outfit up in front of me. I looked at it then looked at my kids. They were being silly as usual- oblivious to what I was thinking about. I thought long and hard. Should I quickly move to the fitting room and just threaten them with their little lives if they make any comments about my body or just take a chance that it would fit and head to the register? Decisions, decisions.
I decided on the first option.
"Hey how are you? Just two please," I smiled at the fitting room attendant.
She handed me a number two and led me to an open room.
"Here you go. You can have this room!" she smiled, leading me to the first room- closest to her.
My heart began to beat faster. My paranoia quickly kicked in. Had she heard the chaos and comments from my little family before? I do come to this store quite a bit. Why did she put us in this room? Why not the one waaaaaaaay in the back- the last one? That way I could continue threatening them and perhaps even physically. I could hang the first one to make a comment, on one of those hooks.
I was smart. I distracted them by talking to them about our vacation time coming up next month, while I quickly changed.
"You ready for our trip in a few weeks?" I asked them- snatching my shirt over my head.
"Oh I'm ready!" my son started dancing.
"Me too! I can't wait to get on the rides!" my daughter added.
It was working!
They continued talking about it and I allowed them to interrupt one another- just as long as the attention was taken off of me.
I was so glad because I could hear more people coming into the fitting room to try on clothes as well.
The outfit didn't work for me. I needed an extra medium. ;o)
Out of breath, I quickly took the outfit off to put my clothes back on.
"Give me my shirt right over there," I pointed for my daughter.
Their conversation now came to a frightening halt.
Instead of just giving me my shirt she put her hands over her mouth and with eyes stretching as if she had never seen me in my undergarments, she pointed to my bra and said to her brother,
"Look at her bookini!"
They both began laughing.
I rolled my eyes and snatched my shirt.
"Just be quiet!" I said with my teeth clenched together tightly. "And it is not a bIkini- it's a bra!" I added.
They couldn't hear me over their laughter.
My son stopped laughing and had the 'mama you may want to put your hand over my mouth right now' look.
"Ewww! She used to feed us milk from her brows," he said and it was not with his inside voice.
I just closed my eyes and thought of the show I Dream of Jeannie. Wishing I could fold my arms- blink and be in my car.
I stood there with my finger over my lips and listened to see if anyone heard it. I was not ready to leave. The comment was too fresh.
When I finally turned to look out of the fitting room, they continued to talk about it.
"Have you seen mama's boobies?" my daughter asked, then put her hands over her mouth.
"I have! They gots brown cir-" he started before I put my hands over his mouth.
After a minute or so of me hiding out in the fitting room, I finally stepped out, playing with my cell phone so I would not have to look up at the attendant.
"Did that work for you ma'am?"she asked.
Without looking up at her I told her, "No. Not this time, but thanks." I continued to be engaged with my cell phone.
As we headed for the door, someone looked at my daughter and said, "She's so pretty and her hair is beautiful!"
I'd just roller set it and styled it the day before.
"Thank you!" I replied.
"Mama. She wasn't talking about you- she was talking about me!" my daughter smiled.
The lady giggled and winked her eye.
"They are so cute," she added.
"You want 'em?" I thought.

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