Things That Make Me Lose My Mind!

So... the kids and I were on our way back home from my parents' house Wednesday when my six-year-old says what you don't want to hear on the highway,
"Mama. I gotta go to the bathroom."
"Great. He has to go to the bathroom." I sigh to my friend on my cell phone.
Before I could tell her I would have to call her back, he adds to it.
"I gotta do number two and I gotta do it bad!"
There was complete urgency in his voice and body language and anxiety with a little dab of frustration in mine.
"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT WAITING 'TILL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME?"
I could hear a smothered laugh on the other end of my phone.
"Mama! I gotta go really bad!"
My daughter was calm but loudly slurping on a straw. At this point I was so stressed I wanted to toss her, the Chick-Fil-A cup, and her brother, who was now holding his bottom as if he would be able to stop the flow, out on the middle of the highway.
So I am going a little bit faster, trying to find an exit, while fussing him out and still holding the phone. I hear the laughter again. This time she is laughing so hard that it weaves in and out almost in syn with me and the other cars.
I finally found an exit with a store not far away.
"Hold on! I found a store!" I told my son.
I don't even remember putting the van in park or taking the keys out.
"You betta not peep a word of this to anyone!" I told my friend. "I'll talk to ya later!"
We ran in the store to the bathroom.
"Mama. This bathroom isn't real clean," my son said, looking all around.
"Okay but I am going to line it for you really good."
"Wook Mama," he said while pointing to the broken knob on the sink. "I don't like this bathroom."
"Well the people who work here ain't gonna like you coming in here and stinkin' it up either. Now do what you gotta do and come on!" I said while attempting to help him pull his pants down.
I felt my daughter tapping me. "Mama... what is in here?" she asked while trying to turn the knob on the Tampax machine.
"Don't worry about that. It's for women!"
"Can we get one?" she smiled.
"No! I said don't worry about that!"
I was about to lose my mind!
We were finally done.
The kids were about to pull the door open when I stopped them. I peeked out. What a relief to see that no one was waiting to use the bathroom.
I got a pack of gum on the way out. It was the least I could do after the bombs my son dropped in that bathroom.

Can Turtles Have Attitudes?

I'm not sure if our two pet turtles are trying to make a break for it, trying to commit turtlecide or what. Well first let me start by saying that since Michael Jackson's passing, the kids have renamed the turtles. No longer are they Myrtle and Skippity but Michael and Shirley. Not sure where Shirley came from but we will roll with it- I mean it's not like they know their names anyway.
I mean we feed them, the kids take them out for some time each week and we talk to them a lot. I feel like we are great owners- we consider them part of the family. So I am not sure what is going on in their little, now-you-see-me, now-you-don't, heads of theirs.
About two weeks ago, Daddy heard a thud and jumped out of bed to see what it was. One of them (heck the adults don't know them apart) had apparently climbed out from the little platform they bask on. He or she, fell in between the bookcase the aquarium is on and the wall. The turtle is lucky Daddy heard him and came to his rescue- otherwise it would have been chillin' in its little shell for some time. When Daddy put it back in the aquarium the darn thing had an attitude! Can you believe that? After dropping it back in the water it went all Chris Brown and started hitting at the other turtle. I'm sorry I don't know if they are cousins, sister and brother, common law mates or what. But I guess it had to take its frustrations out on something- surely couldn't be one of us... we feed them. So it continued its little aggression- taking it's little webbed feet and knocking rocks around. This would have been a good time to see that little bubble overhead and see what it was really thinking.
Well Sunday when we came in from church- guess we'd been gone for about three hours- I walk pass the aquarium, stop then take two steps back to take a closer look.
"Uhhh... call me crazy but it looks like there is only one turtle in there," I pointed out to my family.
The tanks not huge and we don't have caves or things for them to hide in yet.
The kids ran over to see. Daddy confidently went directly to the back of the bookcase.
Daddy was now baffled.
We all quietly and carefully walked around the room- in between the dining area and great room. Daddy spotted it first. Sitting in a corner, inside it's shell.
He picked it up gently.
"What are you doing out here? What are you doing- say?" Daddy said.
"Is it okay?" I asked.
Soon as he dropped it back in the water, it went off again! Swimming really fast, back-and-forth. Swatting at rocks. My eyes were almost crossed watching it go that fast. ATTITUDE!
I know turtles like to get out of the water for a little while each day to bask in the light or heat but those two are up there plotting.