So... the kids and I were on our way back home from my parents' house Wednesday when my six-year-old says what you don't want to hear on the highway,
"Mama. I gotta go to the bathroom."
"Great. He has to go to the bathroom." I sigh to my friend on my cell phone.
Before I could tell her I would have to call her back, he adds to it.
"I gotta do number two and I gotta do it bad!"
There was complete urgency in his voice and body language and anxiety with a little dab of frustration in mine.
"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT WAITING 'TILL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME?"
I could hear a smothered laugh on the other end of my phone.
"Mama! I gotta go really bad!"
My daughter was calm but loudly slurping on a straw. At this point I was so stressed I wanted to toss her, the Chick-Fil-A cup, and her brother, who was now holding his bottom as if he would be able to stop the flow, out on the middle of the highway.
So I am going a little bit faster, trying to find an exit, while fussing him out and still holding the phone. I hear the laughter again. This time she is laughing so hard that it weaves in and out almost in syn with me and the other cars.
I finally found an exit with a store not far away.
"Hold on! I found a store!" I told my son.
I don't even remember putting the van in park or taking the keys out.
"You betta not peep a word of this to anyone!" I told my friend. "I'll talk to ya later!"
We ran in the store to the bathroom.
"Mama. This bathroom isn't real clean," my son said, looking all around.
"Okay but I am going to line it for you really good."
"Wook Mama," he said while pointing to the broken knob on the sink. "I don't like this bathroom."
"Well the people who work here ain't gonna like you coming in here and stinkin' it up either. Now do what you gotta do and come on!" I said while attempting to help him pull his pants down.
I felt my daughter tapping me. "Mama... what is in here?" she asked while trying to turn the knob on the Tampax machine.
"Don't worry about that. It's for women!"
"Can we get one?" she smiled.
"No! I said don't worry about that!"
I was about to lose my mind!
We were finally done.
The kids were about to pull the door open when I stopped them. I peeked out. What a relief to see that no one was waiting to use the bathroom.
I got a pack of gum on the way out. It was the least I could do after the bombs my son dropped in that bathroom.
Adventures of a seemingly dYsFUNctioNALl mom and wife!
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